围城

一杯Whiskey下肚 ，暗自问问自己：

怕什么。

想申请也已经过去一阵子了。三月是个offer月，所有的结果都在这个三月份公诸于众，然后用愚人节的Joke了结一切。匆匆忙忙，熙熙攘攘。这个月里充满了各种各样的情绪。焦虑、悲伤、欢喜。焦虑从不属于我，因为我不是那种对事情太上心的人；欢喜也没能属于我，结果就要发完，我只录了两所一般的学校，曾经为之努力奋斗了很久的学校却连Waitlist都没能给我。剩下的悲伤，交给我一个人去消化。别人问起来，只能假以笑颜，告诉他们自己没事。其实呢，说不难过都是假的。

于是慢慢的，心里面又产生了那种想法：多少心怀梦想的孩子们拼命TOEFL、SAT想要到美国，其实看看美国也就是那么个样子。所谓的美国梦，成本是数千万个为了这个梦想而倒下的躯壳和支离破碎的魂魄。人们看到的永远只能是哈德逊河畔镀着金光的自由女神，却看不到上西区半夜守在街头的黑人地痞；人们看到的永远只能是表面的虚华，而瞧不见浮华背后黑暗的悲伤。

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我努力过，我废寝忘食地用10天突击过TOEFL，我没日没夜地钻研过SAT，熬夜仔细雕琢过我的每一篇essay。我瞅着桌面上那个名叫College Application的文件夹，鼠标停留在上面，悬浮的提示告诉我它有221 MB那么大。是的，我申请美国大学，用过的每一份资料，没一点每一滴，每一个字母每一个字节，累积起来的重量是221 MB。

可是我没敢打开它，不是我不敢面对现实，只是我怕打开以后又要对着空气嗟叹人生不公。我看着身边的人挨个拿到了自己心爱的offer。也见证了别人被自己的Dream School无情地拒掉。

..

我眼看着大姐的essay一天比一天成熟，眼看着她把自己的每个动向告诉AO，虽然我不怎么喜欢UVA，但是那是个好学校，是大姐最喜欢的学校，我能想象到她看到congratulations和那几句AO亲笔书写的文字时候内心的喜悦。

我也看着徒弟不断地努力。她从考SAT便黏着问我SAT作文该怎么写，我一点一点告诉她作文的套路、给她讲例子。讲了很长一段时间。后来帮助她改Essay，改Email，也看到她给USC做的一个很大的USC字样的剪纸。虽然不愿说出口，但她似乎跟USC是无缘了，自己也跟着觉得惋惜。

..

这几天看了一堆一堆的拒信，感觉东西都一样：1、经过谨慎考虑，我们不能录取你。2、我们今年的申请人数远超去年，但是我们录取的人数固定不变。3、很显然，你的高中实现了自己的价值。4、希望你能理解这个决定。请你不要因为这个沮丧的消息影响你未来的学习。早上看到Gmail Notifier出现了Notre Dame的字样，心里头想肯定是拒信。打开看后果然没错。正在此时叶开益小窗告诉我Colgate录取了，看着这个充满喜感的当年Dream了许久但却终究没有申请的学校的名字，心中泛起又一阵痛楚。

回过头来，我继续去读那封圣母的拒信了。我认认真真读过每一封拒信。我觉得一路上走过了这么多，不能自己连最后的结果都不清不楚，就算不是善终，也要让一切完结的干净利落。

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惆怅又有什么用。

我偷偷看过福鬼以前的日志，再想想现在的他，愈发明白了那个道理：笑的越是开心，越是在掩饰内心的痛。

我何尝不是在掩饰。

他给我一个链接，告诉我看后应该会感觉好一点。Youtube的链接，翻墙以后速度还不错，就看了。那是NYTimes访谈Lloyd Blankfein的视频，开始一直在讲Management, Leadership啥的，说Goldman多么注重communicate, teamwork. 到了最后，讲的就是Lloyd对于人生的态度了。记者问的问题是2分钟的给商学院毕业生的毕业典礼讲话会说什么。

HLS的打磨和Wall St.的血雨腥风已经让这个CEO说话无比的圆润，字字句句都是十足的官腔，不带感情，即使谈及自己的过去亦是如此。但是他说的一切也不是没有哲理，立马让我觉得这个裙带关系扶上去的阿斗其实也有自己的大智慧。

Don’t be totally obsessed about getting everything right. In my own experience, I plotted and planned my life when I was getting out of law school to know by what year I’d make it to the Supreme Court. That didn’t work out the way I planned. You don’t know what the environment is. You don’t even know yourself. So I would take some of the pressure off and think about what I wanted to do, what I liked to do, what I wanted to be for the next two or five years and suspend your faculty beyond that. Because by then, things might be totally different anyway. The world will have changed, and you might have changed. It may not turn out, but you’re just as likely to get to a good place as if you were calculating about it. And if you’re doing something that you like, you’ll have a happier life and you’ll be better at it.

I remember when I was getting out of high school, I had no pretense as to where I would go to college. I had applied to very simple schools like Brooklyn College and state school, and I applied to a few Ivy League schools. And I got accepted to Harvard. And I was just the happiest guy around. I never expected it. I spent no time being miserable the day before, and I was just elated the day after. When I went to Harvard College, I was applying to law school, and suddenly I knew what the stakes were. I understood it better. I had different expectations. I was killing myself with anxiety about getting into Harvard Law School. I got in and it worked out, but it resulted in me not enjoying my senior year in college as much as I enjoyed my senior year in high school. I think the point I was making about not being worried is that it not only relaxes you, but it’s like a golf swing — the easier you hold onto your career and all your expectations, you actually get a better swing and you’ll be a better player.

Hell, I don’t even know who I am. 为什么一定要把自己压的喘不过起来。

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看完以后释怀了许多。也许想的太多真的没什么用，赶紧删掉那条让人笑话的状态。就算是Kelley又能怎么样，什么都没有，可我还有希望。

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矿爷给我来了电话，要我出门。

一杯Whiskey下肚 ，暗自问问自己：

怕什么。